As someone who has been overly aggressive and then repressed my anger for so many years, I have a lot to say about being pissed off.
I can’t really think of anything that really pisses me off, as I write these lines.
The difference is that today it comes from a place of non-reaction, of deep self-knowledge and because I have learned how to hold the deeper parts of me that were hidden beneath all that anger.
When I was a child and a teenager I was pissed off at the world. Everything was a reason for me to be pissed off.
I was aggressive.
I was always looking to fight, verbally or physically, with everyone.
I was like a ticking bomb, ready to explode at all times.
Wherever I could, I let this part of me have it all the way, but in an irresponsible way.
That’s why I was so into sports.
I felt like it was the only place I was allowed to use and channel my anger and my physical strength.
In retrospect, I wasn’t always playing fair.
I hurt a lot of people along the way, and the only thing they did “wrong” was to play on the opposing team.
Ball or no ball, if I had the occasion to, I’d run people over, like a train.
And I got validation for doing this, from coaches and teammates.
And I loved feeling powerful, untouchable and invulnerable.
This was only an illusion, of course.
All I was looking for was a target, because I needed an outlet.
At some point in my life, I decided to make this part of me wrong, to shut it down and never allow myself to be angry, ever, except during sports.
And then I stopped playing sports.
I wanted to prove to myself and others that I was a “good person”.
I wanted to connect with other people and the only way I knew how to do that was through fear. Most people respected me out of fear. They couldn’t see me or feel my heart beyond the armored up facade.
This made me swing the pendulum all the way to the other side and not even be able to recognize when my boundaries were being crossed, when enough was enough and how to lovingly stand up for myself.
I became a professional people pleaser and a doormat without any boundaries because deep down, all I wanted was to be loved.
And then, what pissed me off was other people’s anger.
Like, “How dare you be so angry when I don’t allow myself to be” ?
I used to be the first to judge other people’s anger.
Because it required so much energy and self control to shut my anger down.
And then comes the interesting part, the integration.
What if I can be angry and loving and lovable, all at the same time?
What if my anger is my friend, and all it does is tell me when my boundaries (physical, emotional or otherwise) are being crossed and that there’s something I need to look at ?
I can express my anger in a clean, honest and respectful way.
All of this to say, truly, today I was looking to write about something that pisses me off and I found nothing.
No recurring, annoying thing that I could name that pisses me off.
Of course, when things like hitting my toes on something, bumping into things, dropping things, forgetting where I put my phone or my keys when I need to leave, being cut off by someone while driving, someone being late for a meeting, etc. happen, I feel some sort of anger, but it lasts like what, 2 seconds?
Also, yes, sometimes I go to the bathroom with a baby in my arms and then I realize there is no toilet paper.
Or I go to take a shower and I’m already soaking wet and I forgot my towel, or the soap.
Like, oh, this thing !!! And then it’s gone.
Kids being kids and doing things that kids do doesn’t piss me off.
People being people and sometimes having bad days doesn’t piss me off.
Most of the time, I laugh it off.
And when my boundaries are being crossed and I feel angry, I am able to name the thing.
When I feel misunderstood or upset I talk it out.
So for me, the answer has not been finding any good reason as an excuse to explode in the face of people and to be pissed off at everything.
Nor was it to never allow myself to be angry, ever, no matter what the circumstances.
The key has been to allow myself to feel all that there is to feel, without judging it and in doing this, all the sideways anger was gone, and when I feel angry, I know my anger is clean and valuable and allowed to exist, and the result of this is that there’s almost nothing left to be pissed off at.